Lost Love Lust

I have recently been made “single” once more, by means of replacement .
(Of course.)

No, not by the same guy, a different one. Yes, still an asshole.

No, I’m not getting back with him. Yes, I’ve learned my lesson.

Glad we got that out of the way.

I know those of you who really know me just asked yourselves those questions, so I thought I’d do the lovely service of providing you with instant answers.

Kind of like god does, except.. better.

Digression issues aside, back to what this is going to be about.

The advice I was given:

“Just make a list of what you’re looking for and what you’re not looking for so then you can filter out who’s right for you and who isn’t, instead of wasting your time.”

Although I don’t completely agree that some sort of comprehensive list will somehow suddenly reawaken my love life from the shambles that it’s been bathing in for the past few years, I decided that it would be nice to somewhat reorganize my standards considering I haven’t revised them since my early high school years. Yes, sad. I know.

Anyhow! That being said, let’s give it a try.

Thinking about this earlier, the writer in me of course began to think of how this so-called “list” would be organized.
Organizational skills are key in writing.
Hence, why I could care less about them. So let’s start in a logical manner instead.
Process of elimination, rather.

Undoubtedly, recently becoming single has brought on numerous suitors interested in courting  me. All that confidence boosting shit aside though, there’s some things I thought I should clarify in order to make my life and their lives easier. Things like what they can expect, yada yada yada.. So here we go.

In no particular order, do not expect the following:

1. Do not expect that any of your expectations will be met.

2. I will not send you naked/half naked/somewhat naked/ pictures of myself to your phone, email, ipad, or any other technological device that you might suggest. Why? Refer to #1 for any and all answers to that question. Besides, if you’re curious what I look like naked, call me. I’ll tell you all about it.

3. Although yes, I’m european, and yes, I love sex, it will not happen nearly as quickly as you may like. Unlike the many who seem to have lost respect for their own bodies, with me, you’ll have to wait it out. Will the wait be long? Not excessively, let’s face it, I’m not the Virgin freaking Mary, but my middle name isn’t Pamela Anderson either. The time in which things of that nature will occur will depend on my understanding of your intentions and your interest in who I am, and not what I am. If you continue to ponder this issue even after reaching numbers #5 and #6, this is a sign that your intentions do not match mine and you should proceed in moving on to a more promiscuous girl.

4. Do not expect anything you yourself wouldn’t do.

5. Do not expect me to come over if you do any of the following:

- Text me after the hours of 1 AM saying either “let’s chill”, “let’s hangout”, or “hey, you should come over”.
I’m not a 14 year old girl, I know exactly what you want, and frankly, I’ve never been a booty call kind of girl and you’re 2 word texts don’t give me much reason to be either.

- If you have the tendency of flaking out on plans, I will not risk wasting my time. What you give is what you get. If you’re not dependable, don’t expect me to be.

- If you happen to invite me somewhere and misunderstand the premise behind our so-called “hangout”, I will most likely not be as eager to “hangout” the next time.

6. I am a writer, painter, and overall lover of the arts. Do not expect me to make you my main priority every day of the week.
I typically dedicate at least one or two days of my week to the arts. If this is not convenient, you’re likely too clingy for me and therefore, we’re not very compatible.

7. Do not expect me to lack an opinion. A guy I was with once had the nerve to tell me the following:
“I don’t appreciate that you have an input in our conversations.”
If you find that you agree with the previous statement, as mentioned before, please, do me a favor and move on to another girl. Perhaps to one with an IQ under 70, likely to fit your intellectual needs.

8. Don’t expect me to be the dominant one in the relationship. Don’t expect me to make our plans, and don’t expect me to provide everything on a silver platter. I believe in balance. I will do my part, but you must do yours. My personality suggests that I should be with someone who can put me in my place when needed. I need a strong-witted person. If you typically answer questions with “I don’t care.”, “I don’t know”, or “It’s whatever”, it’s likely that you are not the type of person who will take charge when needed and if relationships with you are usually one-way, we will most likely not work out.

9. Do not expect that we will be in a serious relationship. Do not expect that we will fall in love. Do not expect that we will some day have kids and get married. All three of those ideas are ideas that I have set aside for when the time actually comes. Get to know me, be my friend before my lover, and then perhaps we can even bring those elements into conversation. Until then, all of those expectations will cause any type of relationship to be ruled null and void due to too many expectations.

10. Do not expect that this list mentions anything remotely close to what I feel or think. This is a blog. Anything and everything will be exaggerated in order to get a point across. Those of you who really know me know that I don’t have standards nearly as high as they should be and my personality is actually very amiable, but because of past events, the above ideas need to be mentioned in order to prevent another idiot from coming into my life and tearing it apart.

This list has helped to put a lot of things in perspective and I will likely write the other part of it tomorrow.
Thank you for taking the time to read.

Until another time, my sweet petunias.

I know right?