Even the broken can be whole.

Even the strong weep silently.

Even the heartless can have soul.

Even the wise speak quietly.

Even the weak find their role.

Even the calm think violently.

Even the free seek control.

Even the proud walk entirely.

Even the fire burns the coal.

Even the tree stands defiantly.

]]> http://lostlovelust.com/apparent-1198/feed/ 0 http://lostlovelust.com/burgundy-1051/ http://lostlovelust.com/burgundy-1051/#comments Mon, 21 Feb 2011 10:02:37 +0000 Diana http://lostlovelust.com/?p=1051 There was a certain satisfaction in loosing all meaning and thought.

The taste was poison in her mouth, yet it was this she never fought.

Let’s stare into the sun and hold our tongues to the soft sound of yearning.

Its you and me we’re learning.

My mind a maze, your eyes will gaze.

The pursuit is key, resistance unnecessary.

Hands penetrate skin, it’s my beauty from within.

A thousand kisses deep, it’s your soul that wants to speak.

My touch never one to keep, your words never one to sleep.

Diagnose this heart of mine, your mind I would intertwine.

Falling vine, our passion was a crime.

Rising line, our taste was that of wine.

There was a certain satisfaction in loosing all meaning and thought.

The taste was poison in her mouth, yet it was this she never fought.

2. I question what the future holds for our country and world.

3. I miss Romania.

4. I want to be 120 pounds, I have ten more pounds to go.

5. Sometimes, I think of how I want my wedding to be.

6. Even after almost two years, I still think of my past relationship and of him.

7. Although I seem very sociable, I’m actually a very shy person.

8. Sometimes I wonder why people aren’t as passionate about other things as they are about their faith.

9. I write late at night, because it’s quiet.

10. I can’t put makeup on if there isn’t music playing.

11. When I have to wake up early, to wake myself up, I use the “trinity get up” phrase from the Matrix and input my name instead. Works every time.

12. I think women should cook, clean, and take care of their kids and their husband.

13. I don’t vote because I do not believe our voices are truly heard in that manner.

14. I get jealous easily, but am able to suppress it just as easily.

15. In my opinion, a man is most attractive when he is dressed formally.

16. I have a terrible habit of checking my email seldomly.

17. The sound of piano makes me want to fall in love.

18. I look in the mirror and am never pleased with what I see.

19. I love my parents, but sometimes I wish they were there for me more emotionally.

20. Im excited for medical school, but am definately terrified at the same time because of my lack of self discipline.

21. My eyes tear up when Im tired.

22. When I paint, I hum.

23. I get very irritable when I’m tired.

24. I’m regretting starting this list.

25. I eat eggs with toast and tomatoes.

26. My dream car would be:

27. I’m terrible at using cell phones.

28. I watch the Housewives series on Bravo for comedic purposes.

29. My tattoo contains a sense of secret irony that nobody will ever be able to understand.

30. I’ve always wanted to meet a guy in a bookstore and fall in love.

31. I have a 79 page book that I do not want to put out into the world because of its very intimate details about my life in the past year. I do not understand why I wrote it in the first place.

32. The most liberating thing I’ve done is go 100 mph on a motorcycle and not hold onto anything for a moment of freedom and complete fearlessness.

33. I always tell myself I’ll go to bed early, and never do.

34. I try and understand myself sometimes by looking at my parents.

35. I would give anything to be able to just travel the world for a few years.

36. I like having tea on rainy days.

37. I hold my friends accountable for any and all of their actions.

38. I tend to hold a grudge.

39. I used to perform “surgeries” on my stuffed animals at 8. I’ve always been into medicine and things of that nature.

40. I feel at home in Art Museums.

41. Imagining my life without my dog makes me cry.

42. Walking up to get my diploma was a pleasant “fuck you” to many people who didn’t think I could make it.

43. I’m stubborn.

44. If I took my own advice, I would be a super being.

 
45. I enjoy having a cigarette when having a deep conversation.

46. I don’t like wetting my hair when I swim.

47. I believe in Karma and the theory of getting back the energy that you put out.

48. I’ve always wanted to have pale skin and be a redhead.

49. Irony follows me around like the black plague.

50. I’ve never been happier to see the number fifty.

Only god knows how many times I’ve gone through this, and by now you would think I’m immune.

Perhaps “mature” enough to not be affected by the fear of the new, but no, still affected am I.

Some of the people in my life that I truly respect have told me on numerous occasions that I am the strongest soul they know.

Well, I appreciate the compliment, but even Goliaths get splinters. 

Just the simple sight of that empty cardboard box made me break down in tears.

Perhaps the way I was raised is at fault, but even when something does bother me, I shun it away, I don’t wallow in it, and I don’t let it affect me.

I “hide” it somewhere well and don’t touch on it for as long as I can.

It’s been almost 8 years since I last felt this feeling.

To be honest, I’m so fucking sick of this moving shit.

So sick.

Starting over?

How many times must I start and start over?

Moving is much like playing a board game, you are at the start line, and at one point a card is handed to you that says “‘Move two spaces forward”, so you do, you end up on the “Romania” square for a while, and then you get another card; “Finish High School” and another and so on, until at one point, you get the card you’ve been dreading.

“Go back to start.”

And all your so-called “progress” in the game is as if it never existed.

And imagine not even being able to show frustration.

That is how it was and always is with my parents, I could never say “hey, i’m affected by this.” because they would say “you don’t have any problems, you’re just making up problems for yourself.”

And to a certain extent they were right, that not all my problems were nearly as bad as theirs, but at the same time, mine were treated as if they didn’t even exist to begin with.

I could NEVER talk to them and tell them what bothered me without walking away frustrated and shunned.

And although this helped make me strong, every now and then I have a moment where someone actually opens my eyes to what is actually going on, and I can no longer look at it as ”you don’t have problems, you just make problems for yourself.”

I feel, and I hurt, and even if to some I am tough as a rock, the past still hurts and my fears still exist.

Before every move, I would sit in the room that was mine and stare through the window, wondering if this move would be the last one, and if maybe finally I’d find what I was looking for.

Today is no different than those days.

An empty box, a grim view out the window, and a box of tissues.

Maybe this is the last time.

Maybe.

Foolhardiness makes its home, the absence of desire.

Well known fact it is, that something is there, eating away at her soul.

The fake facade of smiles and happiness is getting old and worn out, harder and harder to hide the sheer dissatisfaction.

Watching the plain fields pass as if the tide in oceans and waters, a sigh wanders into the abyss.

This event avoided numerous times, even discarded with the thought that “this too shall pass.”

Something inside breaks, and the enlarged wave of constant suppression makes small drops
of warm water.

These walls are so cold, so white, so without life.

The pressure to fall silent is becoming quite the strain and as she is not
content with anything the thought of incompletion frightens her.

What if she is forever lost?

Lost in a world of confusion and never to fulfill the sense of security she so passionately
longs for.

Where do all the stories go? All the memories? All tears and laughter?

Is there purpose? And if so, does she create it?

Or does the defiance of tyranny suspect a victory?

This journey is long, and far, but it is one with great ambition.

Soft tears will again hide under the soft blanket of falsehood.

Morning will continue to come, and the sun with ironic pleasure will shine on.

This is the life and this is the time.

Leaves fall, flowers wither, and life diminishes.

This flower is growing slow, but strong.

Slow, but strong.