Lost Love Lust

Dear Self,

It’s finally here. When people would ask what you wanted to be when you grew up, you didn’t have the usual “astronaut” or “firefighter” answer. Ten year old Dyana always said, when I grow up… I wanna be 20. And here it is. And oh how surreal it is, how scary, and yet oh so relieving it is to know that somehow you made it. You have managed to blossom into a 20 year old woman that I think even now surprises you when you look in the mirror. Small creases make their way into your once flawless skin and you know you have begun your long anticipated journey. And trust me, I know… it’s terrifying. But just as you were sure that we would make it to 20, you will make it to 40 just fine. Ten years ago, you were made fun of and the kids whose approval you so desperately sought after remained within your heart until you learned that it wasn’t their approval that you needed.. but your own. It was only after you realized that being yourself was the only path to true happiness that you began to flourish into the person you are today.

It’s been such a crazy ride. Even to this day you smile with softened nostalgia at the days when you were sixteen, crazy in love, and clubbing every night of the week. Unexpectedly, those years lived in Europe had a major impact on who you became. Those years were absolutely irreplaceable and will forever be a part of who you are. It is your blood. It is your home. It is where you found your heart, and where you left it. It’s where you found love, and it’s where you lost it. Look at you. Your every feature is the essence of your people. You flutter your native language to those around you, and with every word you are reminded of the days when your biggest worry was the innocence of tomorrow. Those times have now passed and as you look onward into the future, you are worried. I can see it in your eyes after every morning’s blank stare into the mirrors reflection. You are much like the idols of your fondest movie. And just as Neo and Trinity… You too are looking for it, you don’t know what it is, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life, and it’s the question that drives you. And it’s that question that has brought you here. The poetics of that movie to this day play the strings of your soul. You are not the one, but you are one. One of rebellion, one of soul, and one of passion.  In these past years you have taken yourself to limits that you yourself could not have predicted. You saw through eyes of wisdom, and you touched with hands of curiosity. You have made peace with who you are. And somehow managed to maintain your childhood curiosity despite challenges set forth. The knowledge you have acquired has helped you to understand so much and its utility never ceases to amaze you. When you didn’t have what you wanted, you wanted what you had and made do with what you could. It is those hard times that like fingerprints on a glass, have diminished in appearance, but forever remain imprints on the soul.

And so to a point of advice I must arrive. Every now and then it seems that you lose yourself and have a hard time finding your way back so it is important that I remind you of these things before you wander endlessly once more. Remember who you are every day you walk out into the world, because the world will try oh so very hard to rip apart your very essence and melt you into a cookie cutter form of society’s approval. Remember the words of your father and strive to reach the maximum of everything you could be, your stubborn heart will surely help with that. Although beautiful, remember that your modesty is what sets you apart. You need not speak with traits, but with words that come from the heart. Welcome those whom prove themselves worthy. Give love and receive it. No matter how difficult it may be, find the balance between love and lust. And when you can no longer trust, isolate and search within yourself to understand. Take the advice of your elders and remember to engulf yourself in youth, while you still can. Before knowing someone else, know thyself. Take the red pill and tumble down your rabbit hole, but keep your eyes to the skies and remember the way back up. Choose your friends wisely, and do not entitle them with ease. Keep your distance, but share within you the substance of your intellect. Dream. Be your imagination’s best companion and seek adventures unknown. Do not be afraid to speak the truth. Be polite and maintain respect with those who deserve it. Have the courage to see your parents age. Have the ambition to learn as much as you can from them. By knowing them, you will know yourself. Thank them for everything they have ever taken from themselves, to be able to give to you. Remind them of your appreciation, and prove to them that their effort did not go without worth. Do not be afraid to love. Although difficult to imagine, love will find its way into your life once more. Have the strength to maintain your patience until then. Care not what society approves and allow your personality to flow like that of an endless spring. Your leaves will fall, but your branches will reach farther. Maintain your dignity, but when necessary, let yourself go. You will suffer. Have the drive to triumph over hardship. Hold your head high and take each step as if it were your last. In your journey, choose paths without influence. Have no regrets and hold in your heart intuition’s companionship. Have many interpretations, and little expectations. And in the end, remember that the beauty of life flows over you each day. Embrace it. Breathe it. Live it.

If the ten year old version of yourself would see who you are today, she would nod in approval. With hope, she would point you forward and onward into the future. Because these numbers don’t get any lower, and you won’t get any younger. Become everything you ever knew you could be and make yourself proud.

- Sincerely, your heart, your soul, and the dorky little monster in this picture.