Because when I look into those eyes, your heart breathes into mine.

Your hand walks the roads of my soul as we hold our fears within.

Because, by God, I’m so scared of this feeling you give me.

For once, my words cannot grasp the emotion that I welcome.

It’s been so long waiting for you.

And as my lips fall into place, I realize I could never tire of your kiss.

There is not a better place than that of resting in your welcoming arms.

And as my eyes slowly shut, I know I have found you once again.

Because, by God, I’m so scared of this feeling you give me.

I am so caught up in your smile.

I could talk to you till the end of times and still not know enough about you.

What we have is to be envied.

And with every touch, I know I have lived just a little more.

Because, by God, I’m so scared of this feeling you give me.

Scared because I know how many songs would remind me of you.

Scared because my tears could run endless over you.

Scared because I know you were no coincidence.

And I know it well.

Because, by God, I’ve been waiting so long for this feeling you give me.

This process has proved emotionally debilitating in my quest for clarity and yet throughout this entire ordeal, I have not contemplated using writing to aid me in the process. I was reminded to do so.

This post will likely not be poetic, but it’s necessary.
I wasn’t going to share this piece either, but I have always wanted this to be a place where the human condition is present. Good or bad, this is where the words of my soul reside.
I hope that any of you going through the same thing can get something from this and perhaps through my expression, I can somehow help you find yours.

Here we go.

It’s been three years that I have harbored the regret of having lost my best friend, lover, and soulmate. I spent three years of my life with this person. We were each others halves. Every day. At the end of the night, no matter how horrible my day had been, I had someone to hold, and talk to, and fall asleep next to. Having been at the young age that I was, I didn’t understand how precious it all was. How beautiful it was that I could spend hours upon hours with this person and never lose interest. Of course, my lack of appreciation ultimately served its course and ended the beauty of what we had.

I got on that flight and we never saw each other again.
I thought I had embraced freedom.
I was ever so wrong.

After a year, the brutal truth of what we had ruined made its presence.
I shut it all out.
I searched for a reason to hate this person, I searched for any reason to convince myself I could forget everything that was. I searched for anything that would contradict every feeling of love that I had left in me.
I found it in all the wrong places.
Between the unfaithful and meaningless relationships that followed, I completely lost sight of what I stood for and who I was.

I thought I could find what I once had, in anyone.
I was so wrong.
So fucking wrong.

And my choice to destruct  just made things even worse.
Seeking a love like we had ended up being the worst thing I did to myself.
I accepted anything from anyone just to feel remotely close to what I had felt in the past.
Being cheated on, cheating on others, being used, using others.
It has all been so destructive.
And so after all this, here I am, in need of salvation.
All these years, refusing to deal with the destruction and regret that I have caused myself has made my life an absolute lie.
Waking up every morning and living like that is indescribably agonizing.
I refuse to do it anymore.
I am letting go.
Right now.
Literally weeping.
And with every tear, I shed the regrets of my past.
I can’t change the things I said or the things I did.
I can’t bring those moments back and I certainly can’t change those that were.
I can’t change those who have hurt me.
In the midst of it all though, I can forgive them.
One by one, I can forgive.

Right now.
I am forgiving every word uttered without meaning.
Every lie and every moment of meaningless touch and manipulation.

Forgiven.

After typing that, I spent 45 minutes sobbing.
But the feeling of relief that rushed through my body is indescribable.
I have never made the choice within myself to truly let go.
I literally felt every memory shake the muscles of my body as I sat down and let the pains of my past, disburse.
I felt I had come back from a deep sleep.
I felt that someone handed my heart back to me, free of regret, free of fear.
I felt reborn.

Sometimes, you don’t have to take your life, to be dead.
And today, I made the choice to be alive once more.
I will walk the path of those who appreciate every rising sun and understand the beauty of this life’s impermanence.
For so long, I have set aside my love and passion for life because of my soul’s devoid.
I am free of that now.
I am free to dedicate myself to the gifts that life has to offer.
I am free to write.
Free to paint with my soul on the canvas of life.
Free to create and allow the gardens of my mind to flourish.
Why?

Because now, I am free.

Dear Self,

Wow.

Two decades of molding and shaping this being have occured.
This body you possess has become familiar.
The soul, not so much.
Although you feel that you are becoming who you want, let us not forget the demons of the past.
Funny how in a time where we feel reborn, the pains of yesterday begin to linger.
It used to be easy.
It used to be easy to package the past and hide it in the depths of your soul.
But now, having accumulated more and more memories, room for storage begins to dwindle.
Where the past once sat, the future cometh to replace.
It is in these years that we fight within ourselves for the space within soul.
What is worth keeping and what is worth discarding?

Is it in the pains that run deep, or in the tears that we weep?

It is at this age that you search for more than what the surface holds.
Much like the ruins of antiquity, our temple will soon crumble.
My eyes, my lips, and my skin will dissolve to the sky.
What is inside though, the universe cannot take.
The mind is the lungs to the soul, and the thoughts are the breath with which it sustains.
Make every thought worth it, one can only take so many breathes until their last.
Please remember the essence of who you are.
Remember the innocence you saw through a child’s eyes.
Remember the hope in times when it seems it has escaped.
The elders speak of youth escaping you.
Run after it.
Run after it with every fiber in your muscles.

Let go of days gone.
Suspend pains hidden.
Surrender to the present.
Speak to the future.

I smile to this empty room.
Hollow in retrospect, these walls hold more than solidity.

Encased within these walls are my days.
Moments of inspiration.
Tears of joy, Fears of tomorrow.

As a pilgrim, I gather my belongings.
My heart no longer holds it’s ground here.
My journey soon takes hold.

I wrap my innocence in gift.
Donating it to the memories of the past, I leave behind life’s ease.
I seek the truth in lands unknown.

I pack my knowledge.
Wrapped in hopes are my dreams.
Placed delicately, my heart.
In the front pocket, my resilience.

This room may be empty, but so is my canvas.
And with the colors of my soul, I will paint my masterpiece.
With the fears of tomorrow, I will paint my successes.
With the light of my heart, I will paint my sunrise.

Even the broken can be whole.

Even the strong weep silently.

Even the heartless can have soul.

Even the wise speak quietly.

Even the weak find their role.

Even the calm think violently.

Even the free seek control.

Even the proud walk entirely.

Even the fire burns the coal.

Even the tree stands defiantly.

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